Dr. Amanda McKelroy | November 29, 2021
A few days ago, I was sitting in the office of a dear friend and noticed she added a sign to her office décor. It said: “act kinder than you feel.” It wasn’t a particularly pretty sign, so she most certainly bought it for the message, not its beauty. The ironic part is that this woman is the most kind, caring, giving, genuinely sweet person I have ever known. Yet, she felt the need to add a sign to her line of sight that reminds her to do better. If this woman needs a small sign to remind her to act kinder than she feels, I need it painted on a whole wall in my office.
We all have days when the struggle is real and we react and act slightly out of character. To some degree, this cannot be helped. However, I have interacted with many women in leadership who are like emotional yo-yo’s, and their staff endures the repercussions of the mood swings. How can we as leaders help protect our staff, and customers, against our own tendencies to be less than kind because we are having a rough day? The answer is simple, though not easy: write excellent policies and enforce them consistently and diligently.
Excellently written policies protect everyone: the leader, the staff, and the customer. Clearly defined expectations are much easier to follow and enforce without walking into the world of arbitrary chaos. There are two types of policies in business: letter of the law policies and spirit of the law policies. Allow me to explain.
Most policies are designed to be letter of the law: there are simply no exceptions allowed. Every veteran leader has learned that exceptions today create exceptional problems tomorrow. These are policies such as attendance and tardiness procedures for staff, business hours, merchandise return policies, and payment policies. If these policies are well written they have pre-determined consequences or a pre-determined chain of consequences on which the emotions or mood of the leader plays no role. Whether the problem is a bleeding heart or being tired and grumpy, well-written policies will protect both parties from each other. They simply are not negotiable.
Remember the sign that said: “act kinder than you feel?” These policies are where that tidbit of advice is useful. I am not a naturally nurturing person, the adjective “sweet” is not one that would get tied to my name. Rather, I am type A, driven, ambitious, and intense by nature. Knowing this, when I first found myself in a position of leadership, I determined that no matter what I would always choose to err on the side of grace and love. I didn’t trust that my instinctive response would always be as soft as the situation warranted, and I don’t ever want to be overly harsh to a staff member or customer unintentionally. With my naturally intense personality, this has been no easy feat. Writing policies for my staff and customers that clearly communicate the expectation and the consequence has helped me a lot because it removes emotions from the equation. I can be soft and sweet and empathize because the policy is the bad guy, not me!
The second type of policy, the spirit of the law policies, are those that are designed to be used in conjunction with the leader’s discernment. There are some policies that need to be written in a manner where they are vague enough the leader can exercise discernment on when and to what degree to enforce them, but clear enough that they cannot be argued with when being enforced. To illustrate, I will tell you a story:
My leadership team is well-trained and does an excellent job. They are empowered to handle business within their respective areas of responsibility, and I don’t micro-manage. This is especially important when I travel, they must be empowered to do their jobs without needing to seek approval. So we have a rule: I will back whatever decision they make on my behalf providing they communicate with me what I decided, and that they understand that if I disagree with the decision I will back them up but we will in private discuss what should have been different and how to fix it for the future. I was recently on a trip and one of these moments happened in my absence. We have behavior policies for the students in our childcare, they are written vaguely enough that the leadership team must use discernment when enforcing them to know to what degree they should enforce the policy, but clearly enough that the parent cannot argue the policy needs to be enforced. One such policy is that if students intentionally run away from their teacher they will be immediately suspended. The policy does not state when or for how long, but our precedent is that, if possible, it is always for the same day, and if the incident occurred too late in the day to be a true suspension, then it may be applied to the following day.
As you can imagine, there are many options for how to enforce this policy and many variables that would factor into the decision. The spirit and purpose of this policy is to get the parent on our page that the behavior is unacceptable for our environment, is too important to ignore, and we do not have the resources to properly address it so they must take responsibility and partner with us to remedy the behavior.
The student in question followed another student out the door, who followed a parent out the door, who didn’t ensure they shut the door behind them when leaving. Oh goodie. The leader in charge in my absence determined the second child should be suspended, but it was already less than an hour to our close time, so the decision was made to suspend them for the next business day. Sounds normal, except this was on a Friday and the suspension was set for Monday. The spirit and purpose of this policy is to get the parent on our page that the behavior is unacceptable for our environment, is too important to ignore, and we do not have the resources to properly address it so they must take responsibility and partner with us to remedy the behavior. I did not find out until after the fact that the decision had been made, and I backed it even though we lost the family over this particular decision. The parent was extremely upset that we would suspend a student on Monday for an incident that happened on Friday because it accomplishes nothing but to hurt her. I happen to agree. I firmly believe that the leader in this circumstance did not act kinder than they felt… quite the opposite. They had been having a rather trying day, it was the end of a long shift, and this student pushes boundaries regularly. Once I returned and was able to gather all the facts, I do not believe the right decision was made. I believe the spirit of the law was not upheld by the harsh enforcement. Herein lies the danger of such policies that we must be aware of so we can be cautious to not act in such a manner ourselves.
All leaders have times when how the situation plays out is entirely up to us, our actions, words, body language, reactions, overall behavior, and attitude. We must remember to err on the side of grace! Better to extend a smidge too much grace than to be overly harsh. Sounds easy enough, but in fact, this can be quite difficult to put into practice. One way to set yourself up for success in this area is to decide what you will do before you find yourself smack dab in the middle of the situation. Determine what you want the outcome to be, and what actions or decisions are off-limits. This will help you at the moment to better exercise your discernment and be sure you are enforcing the policy in a manner that is consistent with the spirit for which it was created. For me and the story I just told, I want to be upset with that leader, and truth be told I was quite upset after getting all the facts and feeling the gravity of how harsh of a decision had been made. However, I provided the empowerment and want to abide by my own decision to err on the side of grace. So, instead of reaming the leader out as I believe they deserve, I am going to add a directive to the enforcing of that particular policy that a student may not be suspended on a Monday for an incident that occurred on Friday without my approval. This will remove my own emotions from the equation and protect my staff member from my disappointment as well as protect future families from having to bear the brunt of such a decision.
No matter what difficult issue you are dealing with: a staff member not acting right, a customer being unreasonable, or a manager not quite making the best decision, it never hurts to err on the side of being gracious and acting kinder than you feel. Kindness should be laced through everything we do! When enforcing policies, when setting a precedent, when having a difficult conversation, when reprimanding a staff member or dealing with an unkind customer: live by the biblical principles of kindness:
We are instructed in the Bible to help each other be better, kinder, and more loving! It’s not just a good idea or a great leadership practice, it’s a biblical command. Here are some verses to think about and consider:
~ “And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:” Hebrews 10:24
~ “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32
~ “Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.” Proverbs 3:27
~ “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” Proverbs 31:26
Practical Application Ideas:
- Review your organization’s policies and determine which type they are: letter of the law or spirit of the law
- Examine each policy for clarity of expectation and consequence
- Determine if your ‘spirit of the law’ policies need more guidance written in to help the leadership (side note: I would not put guidance intended for the leaders into a customer or employee document but rather add it to the leadership handbook for their eyes only)
- Examine your own personality and leadership style and be honest with yourself about your own tendencies… to be kind or harsh? Which is your natural tendency? Once you have admitted it to yourself you are in a better position to adjust your behaviors
- Have the courage to decide that when in doubt, always err on the side of grace
- Challenge yourself to follow Proverbs 3:27 – if you can do good for someone, make it a personal goal to always do it!
Follow up on the story: I waited a few weeks to address my concerns about how the suspension situation was handled with the administrator. First, I needed to be sure I was coming from a place of grace and guidance not irritation and brow-beating. Second, I needed to find a moment when a true mentoring moment could occur not a rushed moment that might be interpreted as a ‘slap in the face’ correction. When I sat down with the administrator in question and informed them I wanted to discuss what went right and what went wrong with that specific situation, they immediately admitted they knew it had not been handled correctly and were able to tell me what they learned from it. I was glad that they were able to self-analyze and correct their own attitude and mindset before I had to do it for them. We made a plan for potential future incidents of similar magnitude and concluded the conversation determined to do a better job of living by the biblical principles of kindness as leaders in our organization. I’m very proud of that administrator for being able to admit they were wrong, and for having analyzed what they needed to correct within their own heart and behavior. We all make mistakes… but as a music teacher from my childhood often told me: a mistake is only a mistake if it is left uncorrected.
