March 25, 2022 | Dr. Amanda McKelroy
Dealing with gossip is a touchy topic in the workplace. No leader likes drama, though there are plenty of individuals who seem to thrive on it. Most of the articles and books I’ve read on stopping workplace drama or dealing with gossip give ideas for how to handle it with your staff. I want to present a different perspective. If we are truly honest with ourselves, is it possible they are simply reflecting our own behavior and example?
Recently I learned that I would be losing my right-hand woman at my organization. There have been a range of emotions involved as I come to grips with this reality and what it will mean for me moving forward. The organization won’t miss a beat. We are all replaceable, and usually quicker than we want to acknowledge. But for me personally, this new reality has rocked my world a little bit. You see, she is my person. In life, business, ministry, and in every other way she is the person I share with, tell my stories, struggles, dreams, and ideas. In large part this is facilitated by the fact that we have been through war together, working side by side at the organization. She has laughed, cried, hurt, and celebrated with me every step of the way for nine years. Until recently, our friendship and bond was almost solely through the workplace. The past few weeks since I learned she would be departing the organization, I have time and time again come to realize that I won’t have that person to share with that I’ve leaned on so heavily for so many years.
Struggling to cope with this reality in a healthy manner, I talked a trusted life mentor. Their response was not what I was hoping. To paraphrase, he told me that he was not going to be the person I now could talk to, and it was a habit I probably shouldn’t have formed in the first place. He told me to learn how to compartmentalize better, to tuck things away in their compartments and leave them there. Now, his advice was not negative, though at first blush it certainly seems unfeeling. He told me that he learned early as a leader that the best way to handle the need to externally process was to talk to Jesus, and to journal. I was a little surprise. Not that he told me to talk to Jesus, but because I have never considered him to be an external processor.
I thought on what he told me quite a bit. Even told a few people to gauge their response. To admit he is right would be to admit that I have not been leading to the best of my ability because I have been externally processing on my staff for a number of years now. But if I want to grow, I must be willing to swallow hard truths: as a leader, for me to externally process to followers or friends is not actually processing, it is gossip.
It’s not that I don’t want to talk to Jesus, and I do love to journal. When it comes to journaling, I haven’t been in the habit of slowing down to allow myself the time to do it properly. When it comes to talking, it’s simply much easier to talk to the people around me – especially when they don’t shut me down – and none of them would disrespect my position to shut me down. This whole time, I’ve been unintentionally abusing my position to gossip to my staff about things that I should not be talking about to anyone but Jesus or my journal – in the name of externally processing.
Ladies, I submit that our staff follow our lead, in every area they can observe and replicate. For a little while now I’ve been frustrated that some of my office staff stand around the receptionist desk and chat like they have all of the time in the world. It feels like I’m always overwhelmed with too many tasks, and they are free to stand around. I’m careful not to bite heads of over this. I’ve always prided myself that if I see them free, I give them more to do instead of getting on to them, thinking that was good leadership. It is, but it would be better to not give them an example that insinuates that it’s okay in the first place.
There have been multiple moments in the past few weeks as I’ve pondered my mentor’s statement that I need to talk to Jesus, and only Jesus where something has happened that I would normally tell my person, and instead I’ve stared at my phone and stayed silent. It’s been hard coming to grips with the fact that I’m the problem. They shouldn’t have to shut me down, a leaders should be able to self-regulate. But I’ve been writing the things that frustrate me, or that are quirky and odd, or even exciting in my journal instead of sharing them and I find that I am acting in a less dramatic manner and am gossiping less. It will be a quick minute before I have re-established this habit, but I’m already seeing positive results in my own attitude and productiveness as I work on not gossiping and sharing with Jesus and the journal.
Gossip is a real problem and can be very hard to handle. But over the years, I have noticed that my staff tend to act like me. If I am persistently tired and not feeling well, amazingly everyone else will be down in the dumps with me. When I am frazzled and manic, they follow suit. And when I am joyful and focusing on those around me instead of myself because I have processed properly, they are more joyful and considerate as well. Whether I like it or not, whether I want to admit to it or not, everything rises and fall on leadership. My staff will act however I show them it is appropriate to act. When you find yourself noticing drama and gossip, consider examining your habits first to see if you need to make an adjustment. That might just be enough to course-correct those watching and emulating you.
As I have pondered the advice I got about how to cope with losing my person (at least at work, which is 80% of my sharing), I have turned to Scripture, and it only solidified that I indeed need to make a change in this area of my life. My mentor’s advice sounded harsh at first, but it was entirely biblical and spot-on. First, I need to be leaning on the Lord, not my friends and family. James 4:8 instructs Christians in the matter of leaning on the Lord: “Draw nigh to God, and he will draw night to you…” The more I talk to Jesus, the stronger my relationship with Him. Psalm 73 is my favorite chapter of the Bible, because it talks about watching the wicked and seeing them seem to prosper, then coming to the realization that without God it’s all for nothing and is nothing. The chapter ends with by stating: “But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trsut in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works.” (verse 28) The more I talk to Jesus and draw close to Him, the more I will declare His works. Isn’t that what I should be doing as a leader? Declaring from the rooftop all the He has done? Later in Psalm 145:18 the psalmist promises: “The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth.” I don’t need to be talking to my staff, my family, or my friends about my leadership trials and frustrations, I need to be talking to Jesus and drawing closer to Him. To add to the solidity of how healthy it is for us to talk to Jesus instead of externally processing to people, I Peter 5:7 instructs Christians to give our cares to Him: “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”
Not only should I be talking to Jesus because it will strengthen my relationship with Him and give me a healthy and productive outlet for my need to externally process, but also because I want to be a wise leader who brings glory to Him, and who He can work through and bless. To be that leader, I need to be wise in what I say and who I say it to. Externally processing my leadership pain on others is not being wise. Proverbs 15:2 says, “The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.” I’m admitting to you today, that I have been a fool in this area of my life for some time now, and it’s time to change. I want to be the type of boss lady that Proverbs 31 describes when it describes how a virtuous woman talks. Proverbs 31:26 says, “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” It’s not going to be easy, but I am determined to work diligently at being wise with my tongue and not a gossip.
From my heart to yours: Dr. M.
