The problem is not the problem, it is your attitude about the problem.
Another person’s behavior should never dictate your own. Staff disappointing you is inevitable, so it’s best to decide ahead of time how you will handle the most common situations rather than taking the risk that you will react in a manner that does not represent your organization as you truly want. We invest heavily in our organizations and our staff, so it’s easy to react emotionally when they disappoint us.
Use the emotions instead of letting them use you:
Several years ago, I experienced my first major staff disappointment. I had an administrator who had been with me for a little over 2 years when she quite literally lost her mind. One day, while I was out of town attending a training conference, the pressure got to her, and she exploded on everyone around her. She went off on a client, and then later had an emotional breakdown and was ranting and screaming in the lobby of the building. She didn’t like the situation and lost her grip on reality. The receptionist sent me an audio text of the ranting so I would know what was going on first-hand. I felt so betrayed; the ranting was aimed at me because I gave a client grace when this administrator didn’t want to. I remember sitting at a table listening to that audio text as the realization of what it meant sunk in: there would be no recovering from this decision for her. I was distraught on a level I had never felt before. That evening I wrote a letter of termination, and my emotions could take no more. I broke down and couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t sleep that night and lost my appetite. I loved this woman. I invested in her – not just as her boss – but personally. Now she’s cursing my name when I’ve done nothing to hurt her. The disappointment was intense.
The next morning at the training, I was struggling to keep my composure, the hurt was still very present and overwhelming. Also attending the conference was my mentor who pulled me aside. He knew I had never experienced this level of disappointment and hurt in leadership before. The advice he gave me has proven invaluable over the years. He told me to turn the hurt into anger, and then use that anger to go accomplish things. The Bible talks about being angry without sinning: “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Ephesians 4:26 That’s the kind of anger he was talking about. Not the kind where you are unkind to people. Not the kind that is unhealthy and breeds bitterness and resentment. The kind that you can direct into being productive and use to fuel your motivation. Jesus went into the temple and overturned the money changers: it was a righteous anger that accomplished something purposeful.
That week was hard, but the lesson sunk in and now when a staff member hurts me, instead of crying and being worthlessly emotional, I turn the tables and use the emotion to go get something accomplished. I was taught when I was young that most people who show anger are simply covering hurt – because anger is an easier emotion to deal with. As a leader, I do not have time to wallow in hurt or self-pity, instead I turn the hurt into a healthy anger that gives me the fuel I need to go be productive. Having anger doesn’t have to mean you treat others wrong, have attitude, or be unkind. It means you have an emotion you can direct into productive activity.
Dealing with staff leaving in a disrespectful manner:
A number of years ago I overhead a pastor comment to another pastor that he felt like the church members and staff members he invested in the most and tried to help the most were the ones who walked away the easiest without a backward glance. Yet often the ones who don’t get as much attention are often the most faithful.
As a leader it can be hard to continue to invest in people when you know it’s only a matter of time before they leave you, often acting as if your investing meant nothing to them. Usually, when these moments come, the person walking away doesn’t handle it correctly, causing intense disappointment.
People leave. It is part of our reality as leaders. Despite how ego-centric it sounds, I often have the thought when facing this reality that I was here before them, and I will be here after them. Maybe this mindset is wrong, but it is part of how I protect myself. Over the years since overhearing the comments of the distraught pastor (who had just learned while he was out of town that a dear family in his church were leaving, and cursing his name as they did), I have learned that everyone leaves, it is only a matter of time. At the end of the day, any person who does not believe they are in the middle of God’s will for their life, will do what is best for them, with little to no regard for how it affects you.
I’ve noticed a common thread for when staff who you have invested in will choose to announce they are leaving – it’s always when I’m out of town. Thankfully, it’s been a while since I had a beloved staff member leave in a manner that is disrespectful, uncaring, and self-serving. I’ve been blessed with staff who have done their best to treat me and the organization right out of respect for how we have treated them during their employment.
Recently, I was scheduled to be out of the office for a day but got back into town earlier than expected so I went to the office to check in with my team. Before leaving, I thought I should glance through my inbox to see if there was anything I needed to handle before the weekend. What I found was a resignation form from my #1 superstar toddler teacher, giving not only less than the appropriate 2 weeks’ notice – giving only 2 days’ notice. My heart literally sank. This teacher is the highest paid, most trained, invested in, and trusted teacher on my staff. She is our backup receptionist and the trainer for new staff. She gets her pick of what age group she wants to teach and of who her assistant is. She has more input in decisions than any person not on my administrative team. This valued, trusted person is leaving with 2 days’ notice, and not so much as a conversation with me. To turn in a notice while I am out of town is cowardly, disrespectful, disappointing, and hurtful.
I’m not upset with her though. I feel sad for her decision. I learned that the lack of notice was because the new job she found, a cleaning company, would not allow her to give full notice if she wanted the job. She has no idea what she is trading: an organization that prioritizes their employees and has treated her well for a boss who is so unethical they won’t allow her to give us the customary and required 2 weeks’ notice. I’m so disappointed and distraught at how the resignation was handled and the lack of respect, gratitude, and communication. It makes me want to distance myself, to stop being the best leader I can be because someone hurt my feelings. However, while I cannot control her decision, I must control my reaction to it. Despite the actions of this once beloved teacher, I must continue to be the person and leader I am supposed to be. In the Bible, there are so many stories where people did not treat Jesus right. He was met with disrespect and challenges, and he did not alter how He treated people based on how they treated Him. For this teacher, who for many years was an honored employee, we sent her off as we would have if she had given us her full notice. We will not disparage her to any parents, we will not talk about her amongst the administrators. We will be who we are supposed to be, with no emotions governing our behavior and actions. The rest we will let go because in this case we cannot address it, she’s already gone. That doesn’t mean she’s welcome to come back and work for me if this new job doesn’t turn out to be wonderful. A boss lady must have standards after all.
The day after the toddler teacher gave notice, I was struggling with the hurt and anger, so I went to the office – on a Saturday – and organized my way through every drawer. I pulled everything out and cleaned and organized vigorously. No persons were mistreated, and I was able to cope with my hurt in a healthy manner.
Dealing with leadership staff failing to meet expectations:
At another point in time this past year, I found myself disappointed by the actions of staff and found myself in a situation I had never faced: two of my leadership team are not behaving and acting like the leaders they are capable of being or like the leaders I expect them to be. They use the words that they care, but their actions are telling another story. Their demeanor is not positive and encouraging. One appears to be in a constant state of manic and frazzled. The other always looks like someone stole their candy. For a while now I’ve been pondering these facts and had decided to do the best with who I have and leave the rest to the Lord. However, this week I find a new problem has raised its head, and I cannot leave it be. They are both exhibiting a lack of discernment and worse, a lack of empathy.
When dealing with people’s precious children, a lack of discernment is unacceptable. A lack of empathy will result in losing the trust of parents. I realized that these two administrators are preventing me from growing the childcare. As fast as we get new students and staff in, they are chasing them away with their poor discernment and absence of empathy. I feel that they no longer truly care. They do not go the extra mile; they do what is required. The saddest part is that we didn’t start here, they have allowed themselves habits and mindsets that have worn them down, ones that were not asked of them. It is time for change, the staff and clients deserve an administrative team who are all willing to go the extra mile and give the extra care. But I cannot do my job and theirs and do either well, so terminating employment before finding new administrators is not an option. I know what I am called to do, and it’s not their job, but as the leader of the organization, I must do something.
At this moment, I am genuinely not sure how to approach this situation. To deal with their petulant attitudes in person I find myself being hard, and I hate that. I want to be a gracious and kind leader, but that’s difficult to be when faced with disrespect. In my effort to not be hard, to remain gracious and kind, they have run over me, and I have let them. Doing nothing is not an option. Until I find the right individuals to bring onto the team, I must find a strategy to employ that will help them be as successful as possible and keep them from hurting the organization from their determined lack of attentiveness.
I asked a trusted advisor who has been in leadership since before I was born how they handle staff when they are being disrespectful and disappointing expectations. The answer was not what I expected. He told me to remove the expectation. Instead of expecting them to act in a certain manner that involves discernment or decision making, his advice was to give orders and then ensure there is follow through. Then there are no expectations to disappoint. His assessment was that they might actually be much happier in their positions if I lead them in a manner that is task-oriented with less decision making on their part and more following directives. This is very different than any leadership style I’ve ever practiced. I’ve always trained, equipped, empowered, and then allowed my leadership team to make decisions as needed when fulfilling the duties of their job. But that strategy is not working with these two so it’s time to try a different approach.
Over the years I have found that Romans 8:28 is extremely applicable to all leadership problems. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” I am the called according to His purpose, I love Him, and I am fulfilling my calling. Once again, it comes down to me being who I’m supposed to be. I cannot change how anyone else acts. I can only concern myself with my actions and my attitude. That being said, I should be willing to adapt my leadership style as is needed to help my staff be the best they can be. So many leaders are unwilling to adjust their methods and expect everyone to deal with who they are, whether anyone likes it or not. I do not want to be that kind of leader. There are some parts of who I am that may never change, God gave me my personality and it is not changing. But if I truly want to be the best leader I can be then I must be willing to adjust my methods if it means I can lead my staff better.
Dealing with Dishonesty
The past few days have been emotionally draining. I don’t like to admit that because it makes me feel week. Today I had to de-hire someone. I say de-hire because I do not fire people, their own actions, and decisions lead to them de-hiring themselves, I simply inform them of the consequence. One of our teachers had a rough day yesterday and unwisely chose to be disrespectful to my assistant director. By the time I was informed, the assistant director was already off for the day, so I decided to sit on it and come back to the issue this morning with a fresh spirit. The assistant director and I connected this morning and made a plan on how to restore our teacher. We pulled her into the office this morning and had a sincere heart to heart with the teacher, addressing her behavior, our expectations for her, and how much we value her as a teacher and would like to restore the relationship. Overall, it went well, but I was getting a vibe during the conversation that I didn’t like. She kept adjusting her story for why she was disrespectful and apologizing excessively – it was coming across to me like someone who was trying to find the answer that would get her out of trouble not like someone who was genuinely remorseful. We ended the conversation and I sent her to wash her face before returning to the classroom (yes, there were tears involved, I have that unfortunate effect on people). About 20 minutes later the administrator on duty called me and asked me if I had forgotten to let her know that I told this teacher she didn’t have to go back to a classroom until after her lunch which was an hour away. Ummmm, the last time I checked, telling a lady to wash her face and return to class does not mean you don’t have to go back to class. Further, name dropping the boss lady to get her assistant to do what you want is not the brightest idea – the assistant might just verify your facts. I was very disappointed in the decision to lie to the assistant director about the instructions I gave her but I asked the assistant director to send the teacher to class and let me know how she reacted. A few moments later the assistant director called me back saying the teacher changed her attitude and went to class when told that I had been called and the instructions verified. When it was time for her to leave for her lunch break, I had her and the assistant director come to my office first so I could address the dishonesty. The teacher cried and blubbered and indirectly called the assistant director a liar. Hard to know what to do – believe the member of your leadership team who you trust to run your company with you or the teacher who is crying saying she said something entirely different. I hate when situations are not obvious. However, during the blubbering and yet again excessiveness of words she altered what she claimed to have said at least 3 times. There I sat, observing her from across the desk, knowing that this situation boils down to whose word to take. We mutually agreed that my organization is not the right fit for her and parted ways. It’s never enjoyable to de-hire someone, but when the staff member refuses to admit to wrong-doing it is extra unenjoyable. So, how to make that decision? It’s a question of honesty. I trust my leadership team. Each lady would not be in their leadership position if they had not proven themselves to be honest and trustworthy. Because of the trust they have earned they now occupy positions of great responsibility and authority. When one of them reports about a situation, I will take their word as if I had been the one in the situation. This stance made the decision easy with my dishonest teacher. Had she admitted that she told an untruth when I pulled her into the office, I would have simply suspended her for the day. But she chose to dig her heels in and deny she had done anything wrong. Dishonesty cannot be tolerated, it’s like a cancer.
When they harshly criticize you on social media:
Whew, this is not a fun issue to deal with. It seems that every time a disgruntled person posts something critical on social media, past critics pop out of the woodwork to join in and roast you for dinner. On one hand I wish I didn’t see these posts and comments when they happen because they hurt my heart, on the other hand I need to know if any current employees or parent is joining in the fray. It’s hard to read negative comments about your company, yourself, and your staff when you know how hard you work to provide quality services. I’ve known several business owners who would jump right in and start defending themselves or attacking the commenters. That tactic gains you nothing, rather it exposes a lack of discernment. It is our responsibility as leader to guide our companies and provide a good example to our staff. Jumping into the middle of drama is not an example we need to be setting unless we want our staff to do the same. It is better to remain silent and even shut down others when they try to talk about the drama. My mentor uses the phrase “no defense, no attack.” Proverbs 17:28 says: “Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.” It does not hurt you to stay silent when your critics are howling on social media, but it can absolutely hurt you if you jump into the middle of the mess. Another saying my mentor loves to say that I quote to myself much too often is that “It is rarely a sin to shut up.” Harder that staying silent when these vindictive moments happen is not letting it get you down. If you know that you are doing your best, no person should be able to affect your emotions. That being said, it can be difficult to swallow knowing other people are beating you up online. Take heart, in a day or so the comments die down and the critics will find something else to complain about.
Points to Ponder:
- In the book of Mark, there is a story of when the Pharisees were questioning and tempting Christ. His response is one we can emulate in our lives today: “And he sighed deeply in his spirit…And he left them, and entering into the ship again departed to the other side.” Mark 8:12a & 13 Christ did not try to control the Pharisees, he concerned himself with his own reaction and actions. Though he was not dealing with his disciples disappointing Him, his response applies: he continued about His purpose.
- Having staff is messy, but we cannot lead without followers, and we cannot do our jobs without staff doing theirs. They add great value to the organization, despite the messiness. I met a gentleman who is a very successful businessman. One day we were discussing his need to find an assistant to help him grow his company. He is working over 100 hours a week, killing himself to stay successful. His struggle was that he wants someone who will be a copy of him and not make mistakes, and that’s just not going to happen. He wants the value of an employee without the mess that accompanies it. “Where no oxen are, the crib is clean: but much increase is by the strength of the ox.” Proverbs 14:4 They will never take ownership like you will, they will never care as much as you, they will make mistakes, they will mess up, they will disappoint you, they will hurt you, they will leave you hanging. But… much increase by the strength of the ox. People are messy, but people add value you could not have alone without them involved.
- Cope with your emotions in a healthy manner – by turning them into productive activity. Everybody has different coping mechanisms, knowing what soothes you allows you to have many options to choose from when the emotions flood. I recommend making a list of the things that calm, things that refuel your spirit, and the things that de-stress you.
- For me the things that calm are instrumental playlists, playing piano and violin, taking a nap, and planting new flowers in my yard.
- For refueling my spirit, I need things that will energize me, those small wins that are encouraging like getting my email inbox to zero, cleaning out a messy drawer, finishing a wish list project, and journaling.
- For things that de-stress me I like to go running, do yoga, ride horses, organize/clean my spaces or find some quiet time.
