by Dr. Amanda McElroy
“Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” Proverbs 27:17
Fear of conflict has become a reality in our society. Instead of having heartfelt, kind, compassionate conversations with each other when we see need for improvement, we avoid and ignore. We ignore growth opportunities with each other: if the behavior affects us, we ignore it and hope it will go away, if the behavior does not affect us, we ignore it while telling ourselves it’s none of our business.
Recently, I received a phone call from a new friend. She had previously learned of a difficult and frustrating leadership situation that is my current growth opportunity. She was reaching out to both check on me, and to offer guidance and insight that might be helpful as I navigate this area of growth. Truthfully, I started the conversation off happy to discuss the situation and what steps I was taking to grow as a leader. Until she started offering ideas for behavior adjustments I could test out and implement. My ego started jumping up and down like it was on a super-sized trampoline and showing off for a large audience. I went from happy to discuss how awesome I am, to being confronted with the truth that I could be doing more and better. As soon as I could respectfully end the phone call, I was out of there. I did not want to listen. I was not receptive. I was wrong.
The truth of the matter is that this lady is being my friend. She is actively praying for me and this growth opportunity. She has spent time considering what lessons from her own life she could share with me to help me navigate this unfamiliar territory in my professional life. The Lord put thoughts on her heart that she felt she should share with me. A friend doesn’t wait for permission from your ego to attempt to help. A friend cares enough about you to reach out. Especially when they feel that the Lord has impressed something on their heart that would be helpful. Possessing knowledge that could help and to failing to impart that knowledge is the opposite of a friend’s behavior. They will do what they can to help, even if their help feels hurtful at first. Proverbs 27:6 says: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”
If someone cares about you, they will boldly offer help: even when we are not asking for it, even when we do not want to hear it, even when we are not particularly receptive. That is what a friend does, they sharpen us and push us to be better versions of ourselves, and better Christians. They have the awkward and sometimes unpleasant conversations.
It is easier to accept constructive criticism from someone when we remember that if they did not care, they would not be trying to help. We should take their help into consideration and not throw it out simply because we did not ask for it.
May I tell on myself? I struggle with this in a personal area: horse training. Now, I’m not a great horse trainer, but I am learning. Learning how to be better at a skill is not an easy task. It involves a lot of humility, frustration, excitement, and for me often tears. Right now, I have two young horses that I am training. They are one year apart in age, and at different levels of training. The youngest one only has a handful of rides so far, she’s just getting started learning how to be ridden. She is the first horse I have started training completely by myself. My father is a very talented trainer, and he usually helps me with the young horses. But I wanted to start this one myself, to know if I can. Because, well, ego and competitiveness. The other day, I went to ride, I had a plan in my head for what I wanted to accomplish that day with this little horse and was ready to execute that plan. Dad came out to the barn as I was getting started and ‘fixing’ me. At least that’s what my ego likes to say. My over-sized ego instantly started causing chaos in my heart and mind again. It repeated to me over and over again: “You’re not asking for help. Why doesn’t he just butt out. You’ll ask when you are ready. Why is he always trying to fix me?” I didn’t want to listen. I was not receptive. I was wrong. He saw an issue happening with my horse, he knows where that issue will lead later on if not addressed swiftly and fully, and he cares enough about me to be willing to sharpen me even though he probably knew I wouldn’t want to hear it. He boldly and kindly shared his insights with me despite my less than stellar attitude. You know what? He was right. I was allowing a behavior that was small then and would become dangerous over time because I didn’t recognize the problem: he did.
When someone cares about us, they are willing to intervene and help us have growth opportunities, they are willing to sharpen us. Instead of letting my ego take control, I need to stick him in a shoebox and sit on the lid. I need to be grateful there are people in my life who care enough about me to want to sharpen me and see me grow.
Conversely, not only should I be open to accepting the help and sharpening of a friend, but I also need to be willing to boldly and kindly sharpen others when the Lord impresses on my heart to do so. Ignoring an opportunity to help someone would be selfish of me and ultimately is a sin. The Bible says in James 4:17: “Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.”
A Note from Dr. McElroy:
Ladies, this week I have realized that explanation should have been provided when I first began writing lessons and sharing them with you. Please forgive me for creating drama by failing to communicate the purpose behind these lessons. Recently, I felt convicted that I am not leading and training spiritually like I know I should be. In my attempt to assure I am not making a mockery of values I hold dear and take seriously; I have failed to provide biblical training to those I might be able to influence for Christ. For some time, I have been convicted and done nothing. The Lord has been pressing on my heart that I should be writing lessons, not with the purpose of fixing anyone else, but to share the lessons that I am currently learning and that the Lord is using in my life. The purpose is not to discuss the characters of illustrations or to point a finger at any person. The purpose of sharing these lessons is simple: we all face hard situations, we all need help knowing how to respond to those hard situations, the Bible has the help and answers we need for every situation we will face. These are my inner struggles, growth opportunities, and personal devotions - written in my journal, that I am sharing with you in the hopes that the lessons I am currently learning can become tools that help you too. In sharing these thoughts, I aim only to provide us the biblical tools for walking through this messy life with God’s mercy, grace, and strength.
From my heart, Dr. M
