How dare they! Does this person seriously think it’s okay to talk to me that way? It is completely unacceptable. Thoughts flood my mind as a battle commences internally between my ego and my spirit. My ego is filled with indignation, my spirit is trying to remind me that I represent my Savior and need to behave accordingly.
Have you ever been there? Confronted with an interaction that isn’t what you believe it should be? Perhaps the person is being disrespectful. Perhaps they are expecting you to pick up their slack. Perhaps the person is being inconsiderate. Whatever the case may be, we need to rein in our ego when we discover it is trying to take charge.
There is a story in Matthew 20 about Christ, His disciples, and one of their mom’s having a discussion. The mother of James and John asked Christ if they could rein with Him. Christ responded by telling her she didn’t understand what she was asking. After hearing Christ’s response, the other disciples were outraged at James and John for the request to be elevated above the other disciples. Christ took advantage of the moment to present a lesson to His disciples that we can apply to our lives today. He pointed out that people who don’t follow Christ exercise their dominion over other people, they flex their power muscles and believe they are greater. Their ego gets to direct their behavior. But the admonishment to the disciples was to do the opposite:
“But it shall not be so among you: but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant: Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:26-28
We all have moments when our ego wants to take control of our behavior. Sometimes, we believe we are better than someone else. And sometimes, we believe that we deserve better than the treatment we are receiving. There are zero verses in the Bible about defending ourselves against offensive behavior. There are, however, many verses about treating our enemies with love and kindness and going the extra mile for them.
“But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also, And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away. Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh the sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?” Matthew 5:39-45
If we are instructed to handle our enemies with love, how much more should be responding to people when we don’t prefer their behavior toward us? As Christians, we should be interacting with people in a manner that reflects Christ’s love for us, and for them. When we find our ego wanting to take charge of the interaction, we need to remember that the Lord hates pride and loves humility.
“The fear of the Lord is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate.” Proverbs 8:13
“A man’s pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit.” Proverbs 29:23
We should be responding in a manner that pleases the Lord. When we choose behavior that pleases the Lord by setting aside our pride and choosing to be humble, Proverbs 16:7 promises that even our enemies will be at peace with us: “When a man’s ways please the Lord, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.”
If choosing behavior that pleases the Lord will result in our enemies being at peace with us, how much more will everyone else with whom we interact? What a challenging thought! If people who are not enemies are not at peace with us, we need to take a hard look at our behavior.
It’s easy to say that we need to choose humility over pride, but for some of us setting that ego aside is much easier said than done. Christ provided instructions for how to make this choice in His discussion with the disciples in Matthew 20:26-28. The solution is simple: go serve. When we feel our ego taking over, we can squash it by actively and intentionally serving those around us. Instead of puffing up in pride when we don’t prefer how someone is interacting with us, we can send our ego packing by having a heart attitude that asks: “How may I serve you today?”
When I was a teen, my church hosted an annual camp for teens. We would go to the mountains, get away from technology for a few days, and spend time learning about the Lord and how to be better Christians. The days were filled with personal devotion and Bible reading time, chapel services, games, and group activities. It was a time for spiritual growth. One year, the focus was on being a servant. The whole time we were up on those mountains that year, every adult worker would greet the teens with one question: “How may I serve you today?” As a teen, it was very impactful to have every interaction met with that question. The adults were choosing to humble themselves to a group of teens. That week has lived in my heart all these years, burned in as a core memory of godly examples practicing what they were preaching. When my ego wants to take charge, memories of my youth pastor, my cabin counselor, the cook (also one of my school teachers), and my own pastor father responding to every interaction by asking little ol’ me: “How many I serve you today?”
Today, when our ego wants to take over an interaction, let’s choose to have the heart attitude: “How may I serve you today?”
P.S. A thought that helps me when my ego is being particularly stubborn is this: my behavior should not be determined by what I think either they or I deserve. When I find my ego trying to stick around because of what I think I “deserve,” I remind myself that my behavior should be determined by what I believe pleases my Savior and nothing else.
The bottom line is that the ground is level at the foot of the cross. Christ died for that person just as He died for me. I do not “deserve” anything good in life. Because of my sin, the only thing I deserve is death and the lake of fire. There is something powerful and humbling about pulling to the front of my mind the reality that Christ died for my sin, and that He loves that person just as much as He loves me. I’d better treat them accordingly.
My behavior toward someone else should not be dictated by their behavior toward me. It should be dictated by my love for the Lord and obedience to His Word.
